Regrets, I've had a few...

One thing my students ask me every now and then is, do you have any regrets about the things you did when you were young? They generally pipe up and say, "I don't...YOLO." To the uninformed, that means "you only live once." There aren't enough words to tell you how much I hate that acronym. But, I digress. There are things I did that I wish I had done differently and things I wish I hadn't done at all. But, regret? Yes. Most people say they don't regret their past, I'm not sure I believe them. Whether we want to think so or not, meh. I tell my students that there are consequences. There are consequences to good decisions and there are consequences to bad decisions. Things we do hurt or help. Sometimes, I wish I could go back. I've done things that were stupid. I've done things that hurt my husband and my kids. There's that pain that has to be dealt with. Here's the cool part though, WE CAN BE FORGIVEN! It's so much easier for me to forgive other people than to forgive myself. But, as I'm learning, to not forgive ourselves hurts God. As I grew up, there were lots and lots of rules. There was not a lot of mercy or grace. This is what my parents knew. It was how they were raised and how their parents were raised. There was a lot of iron fist and not much in the way of soft hands. My Mama was definitely the comforter, the encourager. Daddy was not comfortable with that. He wasn't raised in a "touchy feely" family. He believed in good old fashioned discipline and good old fashioned family. Mama stayed home and took care of us and the house, he worked. I have a purpose for this ramble, hang in there with me! Don't confuse what I'm telling you with a "bad" home life. Deep down, I knew Daddy loved me. He just didn't say it much...or ever, lol. Grace is unmerited favor. That means we get an "oops" for our stupidity even though we don't DESERVE it. Grace is the opposite of judgement. But, what is the first course most of us take? Judgement. To be continued!

 "For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace." Romans 6:14

Ding dong...

the FCAT's done, the wicked FCAT's done! Love my job, hate that test. Thankful it's done.

What happens now?

I have a friend who wrote a blog titled, "What happens when they don't need you as much?" It struck a chord then and now. My "babies" are 20 and 17. And being their Mom is still my primary job. It is my reason for breathing. Another friend said, "my job from the moment you were born is to get you ready to leave me." That is also true. My head knows that but my heart is not listening.

I have not been a perfect parent. I have not been a perfect wife. I have not been a perfect daughter, sister, friend, human being. It has taken me, oh...40 years to realize that God didn't expect me to be, in fact, sent Jesus because He knew I wouldn't be. I have tried and that's what I hope my kids have seen. They don't know that they are the reason I went back to school. It had very little to do with me and a great deal to do with them. Yes, I've always wanted to teach. More importantly I wanted them to know that anything is possible. So, when it was time for me to face Algebra, I did it. It wasn't fun, but I did it. As I thought about what my password should be throughout school, I knew it had to be something to do with them. That way, each time I typed it I remembered why I was doing what I was doing.

My daughter's song at her dedication was "The Cradle Song" by Sandi (then) Patti. A verse in it says, "though we might fail you often the Lord will still be there." As I stood at that altar with my husband, I never imagined all the things life would bring. That beautiful, beautiful little baby has been everything we wanted and so much more than we deserve. She is an "A" student (at UF!), contributing reporter for The Alligator, wears a seat belt when she drives and loves GOD. She is so ready to be on her own. I am not.

For our son, his song was "Another Child to Hold." As I've written in other places in my blog, he is a child with a heart of gold. He loves deeply and cares passionately. He knows GOD will help with whatever. He is as intelligent and gifted as his sister but has a completely different approach to school. He is a dual enrollment student and does fine. I don't think I've ever seen the child study...ever. I could tell you each time that I've proofread a paper for him, um...never. And I'm an English teacher. I worry how he will do in college. He wants to be a teacher. Or an entrepreneur living on Daytona Beach. I'm trying to stay quiet.

When the kids were very small, my husband and I worked for my brother's ministry. He travelled a lot and I was home with the kids. My daughter was, and still is, a Daddy's girl. That has always been cool with me since I was that too. I know how much I loved my Daddy and how I enjoyed the times we shared. Prior to his working at the ministry, he was a McD's manager. He took her to manager's meetings with him. The first sentence I remember her saying was, "go Mc don don's, I want fre fries." My son, born on the fourth of July, was our firecracker baby. He cried from the moment he hit the air. His dad left for a crusade on the Saturday after he was born. So, my son and I have always been close. He is a lot like me. For better or worse. Anyway, we made it through those four years as a "single" mom with two kids.

All the life experiences we have make us the people we are. I've always said there were two things I wouldn't fight over while raising my kids, hair and clothes. When I tell people that they are usually shocked. I have to explain that I didn't mean I would let them out of the house in anything inappropriate. I just meant I didn't care if they wanted to wear the same dress every day or sweatpants with cowboy boots, I was cool with that. As for hair...it will grow back. I didn't let my daughter have long hair and she still holds that against me. In all honesty, her hair was (and is) so thick and beautiful that she could wear it in a Mohawk and I would still love it. I just wasn't a brushoutyourhairlistentoyoucryputitinaponytail kind of mom. As you see in pictures elsewhere in the blog, my son's hair was a mass of Puerto Rican poofiness. Clothes and hair were (and are) battles I chose not to fight. They seem to have made it out to the other side relatively unscathed and fairly well groomed.

The battles I have fought are the ones their Dad and I believe matter. We didn't let them celebrate Halloween. We didn't let them watch cartoons that we thought were ugly. Power Rangers...I will NEVER hear the end of that one. It was a struggle to let him have Pokemon; her an N*Sync CD. We didn't let them see movies that we would be ashamed to tell their grandparents about. They didn't date or drive until they were ready. They had/have curfews. They had bedtimes. They told people thank you for gifts whether they liked them or not...it really IS the thought that counts. They were required to be kind and helpful to adults. They were not allowed to make fun of people who are disabled or different from them. They were ... spanked. They were raised to believe in GOD and that Jesus is his son and faith in him is the only way to the Father. They were always told as much as we love them, GOD loves them more.

The seeds we sowed are bearing fruit. They both know that GOD can answer any question, solve any problem, listens ALL the time and loves them. I know these things in my heart AND my head.

But, it doesn't make letting them go any easier. I am used to being the one they talk to about problems. That's changing. I am used to being the one who could kiss the boo-boos and make them go away. They're learning to find the Band aids on their own. I'm used to being the boss. That's changing too. Maybe that is the hardest part of all.

I cringe when they don't answer their phones right away. My heart races when I hear a siren and don't know if they're off the road yet. I would throw people off a cliff to protect them. I will lose every bit of sanity I have left if I believe someone has hurt them. I have caught vomit in my hands. I have held a congested baby in a steam filled bathroom. I have rocked and cried right along with them when they were teething and there was nothing I could do. I know I am not the only parent who has done those things. But I know that these things are what I should do...that's what being a parent means.

Having done those things is what makes letting them go harder. No one will ever love them like I do. No one will ever bear their imperfections and shortcomings as I will. No one will ever think they're perfect and amazing and astonishing human beings as I do. But that will change too...they will meet the person GOD has for them and they will tell me how wonderful, amazing, and spectacular they are. I hope I will smile. I hope I can accept not being needed quite so much. I hope I can remember that the reason they are ABLE to do that is because I've done my job. I hope I will be there to see it all. They will always be my reason for breathing. I hope I will be able to stop holding my breath.

Germ carrying little children

who shared their germs with me. Thanks. Thanks a lot. I feel like poo. I am going to go lie down. Oh, the perks of teaching! Take care of yourselves.

You'll always be my baby...

We went to Gville this afternoon. I had to have my son do the driving. My mom had a doctor's appointment and I had a very upset tummy. He did a great job with a few exceptions.

This brings me to my point...well, sort of. It is one of the hardest things I have had to do as a parent. Let my babies fail. I can't stand it. I know it's a part of life, but that doesn't make it any easier. I want to fix it. I want it to be me and not them. He was trying to make his way around to the various places I needed to go. Gainesville. 5:00 traffic. Poor poor urban planning. You do the math. But, I sat there. I kept my mouth closed...for the most part. This is the whole reason why I wanted to ride in the back. That plus I really didn't feel well. He got to be his Grandma's chauffeur. She loved it.

She wanted HER baby to feel better. I guess it doesn't end. : )

And on another note, Happy FORTY SECOND BIRTHDAY to my best friend from when we were babies!! Now she's my age.

Teenage Weddings

I wonder why these kids are so demanding?? Oh, wait, could it be because they are given E V E R Y T H I N G they want?

There has to be some connection to teenage pregnancy and entitlement. There are "Super Sweet 16" parties. There are prom dates that are more expensive than my wedding. There are prom,pageant,flower girl, homecoming attendant dresses in closets that are going to hang there for the rest of their life. What's left for them to celebrate? To look forward to? How will they top what they've already been given?

There are cars and trucks driven by these kids that are nicer than the one I have now. There are clothes on their backs and shoes on their feet that cost more than the GNP of Ethiopia.

A teacher reprimanded my child? A teacher told my child they should consider finding a vocation rather than a four year degree? An administrator TOOK MY CHILD'S PHONE? AFTER IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII sent them a TEXT during SCHOOL? How dare they.

A parent wonders WHY the school ALLOWED their child to be the victim of a cruel text message. A parent complains that the child has too much homework...but wants us to get them into a tier one college.

Yes, I'm angry. Maybe I need someone to buy me a car. Mine has a scratch.

Alrighty then...

It's Sunday. I am remarkably relaxed. My son went grocery shopping. PRAISE GOD for driver's licenses. I'm getting ready to read and take a nap. I'm surrounded by cats...LOL...they had flea medicine and are not happy with the world. Happy week!

Kids on the Block

M.I.A. Paper whatever...thanks. You're part of the reason I face the kids I face every day. Grow up and take responsibility for the junk you put out there. All of them: Lil' Stupid, The Lame, A Convict...take a long look at yourself. Yuck.

It isn't just rap, it's all of it. Katy Perry, Pussycat Dolls, and the list goes on. All the things that I try to share with the students I see...boom, means nothing because these people prove contrary to what I say. They do nothing and make a ton of money in the process. Same thing with athletes. Carmelo Anthony makes me want to throw up. Adam Jones...don't even get me started. I like Allen Iverson more than I like him. And my head would probably explode if I talked about Ricky Williams.

The saddest part for me is the unrealistic life it portrays. Most kids have about a snowball's chance in Hades of making it pro. Look how hard Cedric has worked and he still isn't "there." Johnson is an anomaly. I'm not even sure if that's his name. Where are the members of CHS's state champ 4x100 team?

Our best athletes?...drug addicts, unwed parents, small time cons. There are only a few who've done anything. Jeremy comes to mind. Stacy. A good man and a Pastor. I know there are others from both CHS and BHS who I'm forgetting.

Sports and music. The biggest dream and the biggest lie. What if you get hurt? What if you get sick? How do you live then?

There is a whole big wide world outside. A world where you can be a doctor, a teacher, a pastor, a nurse, an engineer, an artist, a writer, a clerk, a scientist, a meter reader...a ton of worthy things.

Watching the people around you, admiring the people UNWORTHY of admiration, all lies. Don't be the one who rides a bike or your parent's car through town while talking on your Boost phone with your cubic ziconia, gold plated jewelry. It is not impressive. Don't rev your truck engine through the WAL MART PARKING LOT. It is not impressive. Don't post pictures of your butt, your bong, or your drunk driving/self/friends on the internet. Not only is it unimpressive, it is STUPID.

Focus on what you know you do well and DO THAT THING. Be you. Don't be a caricature of yourself.

Pay attention in school. Try hard. Give back to your community. Find a person to love and who loves you...not a friend with benefits. Don't date someone a week and say you love them. You don't. Be thankful. Be kind. Be a person worthy of admiration. Be a person of good character. Look for a greater purpose. Don't believe your own publicity. We live in a small, small place. Be the bigger person...walk away.

Sad randomnicity...I'm an English teacher so I can make up words...read the fine print.

I'm supposed to have answers. I wonder who will answer my questions? This week has been a major challenge for me. I feel beaten and broken down. I don't feel successful. I definitely don't feel pretty. I don't think I've felt that in about 200000000 years. I see so many things around me that I wish were different. I ask my students and my children all sorts of random things. I imagine that I am quite an enigma. I look back now at my childhood and adolescence and realize that I am the weird child they talk about in the child development classes.

This weekend friends of our family lost their sister, daughter, aunt and mother in a car accident. Car accidents...for as long as I can remember...are one of my biggest fears. It seems too terrible to bear. My heart breaks for them.

I see so many kids doing so many things that are hurtful. Babies having babies, kids lying and stealing, breaking into the school- particularly my room- just to be vandals, kids calling in bomb threats, using language EVERY DAY that would make my Navy veteran Daddy blush, drinking until they pass out or smoking until they can't speak then posting the pictures ON THE STUPID World WIDE Web, arguing with one another to the point of fighting over things that won't matter two weeks from now, kids who will "yes ma'am" you 'til the end of the world and pay no attention whatsoever to what you've told them. Not to mention a lunatic pulling a gun on the campus my daughter attends along with many of her high school friends.

Is the rest of my career going to be spent speaking to noone listening? I don't know if I can handle that. I try really, really hard to make a difference. I love these kids, I really do. They can't understand, because of their youth, I know that...well, intellectually I know that. Emotionally, my heart breaks. Every day. A million little pieces.

I'm told not to trust them. They can't be trusted. Well, I trust them. I will trust them until they give me a reason not to. Once that trust is broken...not likely to get it back. Am I naive? Probably. Am I going to regret it...maybe. Do I believe what the Bible says about 70 times 7? EVERY DAY EVERY SINGLE WORD.

So then, that's the answer to my questions. I have to hold on to the hope that Jesus gives me. I have to believe he knows what's around every corner, behind every wall, and in every day. I have to believe the old adage that "If I can reach just one child..." I can only hope. There ya go...ramblings of an old, fat, menopausal lady. Be afraid...be very afraid.

Time marches on

Well, I'm on my way. This has been a very long trip to end up back where I started. I don't know what happened, the how, or the why...but it did. Adversity makes you the kind of person you really are. I just hope I can show my kids and all those around me see Jesus in me. Hate is a bitter thing. Anger is a hateful feeling. Neither of them are worth it beyond the initial "it makes me hate the world" phase.

Being at S.A.I.L. (Summer Adventures in Literature) is yet another learning experience. These things often remind me more of what a bad teacher I've been instead of the teacher I can become. I am excited about my schedule at CHS. I will be able to teach something other than intervention classes so that's cool.

My eyes are swollen and my brain hurts. Yet another day in the life.

In Psalms, the Bible says,
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."

So, yep, that's where my hope lies! And if you look closely at the picture there's a rainbow in that picture. God's promise to his people.

Rain Rain Rain

It's Raining! YAY! It's Raining! Bad for fireworks...

We went last night to see fireworks in a neighboring town. We came, we saw, we got wet.

Re: the last post, the birthday boy's actual birthday is the 4th of July.

Here's some of what we saw last night! Happy Birthday America!

Happy Birthday Sweet 16!

It was a hot summer day, 16 years ago. I was pregnant with my second baby. Seems like I'd been hot since about February. Neighbors were building a house and it was DRIVING ME CRAZY with all the hammering and so on. Yet, July is a good month for me, my sister and I have July birthdays.

To say I was ready to have this baby would be an understatement. I had a difficult pregnancy and it didn't seem to be getting any easier. This pregnancy began as twins and I lost one baby. I can't tell you the sadness I felt when I saw the sonogram with just one baby. Then on the other hand, I can't tell you how happy I was that that one baby was still there. I knew from the beginning this baby would be special. Satan had tried to destroy him from the start. But we knew God's hand was on him.

Into NFRMC Women's Center I went. I was going to have medicine to start labor. It did. "Wheel of Fortune" was on and I've never wanted to kill anyone as much as I wanted to see Pat Sajak stopped. Around 7:30 during a bathroom trip, my water broke. The doctor then decided I would stay. Well, DUH!! I was in bed, biding my time...I think I even took a nap. Bert was there with me, eating a WHOPPER. Sheesh. And yes, I had an epidural. I am a wimp, yes. I am proud to be a wimp when it comes to childbirth!!

The doctor checked me around 11:00 pm and said it would be morning before the baby was born. That followed him telling me what great hips I had to have this baby. Well, those of you who've HAD a baby know that you're not really in a great mood when your body is in huge amounts of pain...and if it's your second baby, in disbelief that you let yourself do this again. So I didn't know whether to thank him or throw up on him. I managed to tell him I thought it would be much sooner than morning. Sure enough, I was right. After a few good pushes (I have hard pregnancies and amazingly easy deliveries) we had our little boy. All beautiful, healthy, 20 inches, 7 lbs and 14 ounces of him. And his lungs. Where his big sister cried meekly and was so sweet, he was NOT happy to be here and even less pleased to have people poking all over him. He didn't just cry, he SCREAMED. For a long time. Loudly. He stopped about 4 months later.

His first word was "light." He has been a light in our lives ever since. He grew into an adorable little baby with big dark eyes and dark curly hair. His sister wasn't quite sure she was as pleased as we were that he was here. I think she finally got over that...about three years ago.

Jonathan wasn't much of a talker until he was about three. He called spoons ,"foons" and forks, "sorks." His cousins would do all sorts of tricks to hear him say "church." I don't know how to begin to spell that pronunciation! And, if you know Jonathan now, he won't STOP talking. He loved playing with hats and listening to music. There is a Carman song that I will probably never get out of my brain.

As he grew, he became so tenderhearted. He couldn't stand to hear about children who didn't have food or toys. He would cry when he knew someone else was in pain. His heart is still tender. He loves deeply and is passionate about the things he loves. He is passionate about the things he believes are wrong. He is like me in that he hates injustice. He hates to see people taken advantage of. He is outspoken and strong-willed...like me. Fortunately for him, he is also like his Dad in that he can be mellow when he needs to be. He looks so much like his dad. He told me once when he was little, "Mom, Dad and I are just cursed with being good looking."

So as my little boy turns 16, I have a lump in my throat. I am so blessed that he is loving, kind, caring, generous, smart, and yes...good looking. He has been the light in my life when lots of other things were dark. He is a joy to be around...and he makes me laugh.

If you are his friend, consider yourself blessed too. He will always be there for you. He won't talk about you behind your back...if he has something to say he'll tell you. If you need something and he can help, he will. He values you and your friendship.

Jonathan has his faults. A dirty room, hair too long, won't do his homework in a timely manner, forgets things unless you tell him over and over...and over, calls his sister names, eats junk right before meals, and many others I will remember next time he makes me mad.

From "Dark Wing Duck" to Darth Vader. From telling time with "Ch ch ch Chip and Dale" to tying shoes with bunny ears. Stitches to staples. From our talks about literature and human nature to conversations with Grandma. From the mountains to the beach...Happy Birthday my sweet boy. I love you.

Dum de dum dum dee dum...

Happy toes!

Happy girls!

Today was one of my favorite days. First, because hubby got paid! We're a one income family 'til August...so this means I get to have food to feed my children for another two weeks. :) Second, because I got to spend time with the lady who has been my best friend since we were 4 years old. Third, she has little girls that I adore. Fourth, three of my favorite Gators went in the TOP TEN of the NBA draft. Woot Woot!! And last but not least, because we went to the beach. (Friend and I, not the Gators and I.) Because she has children who are younger than mine, she claims this makes her younger than me. I completely refute that argument. She is, however; three MONTHS younger than me. Anywho...

Because school administrators and school boards operate on a schedule all their own, I learned YESTERDAY that I was to attend a two-week conference-y thing nearby. Well, if I wish to be paid for the aforementioned conference-y thing I have paperwork to submit. Summer = all offices and schools are closed on Friday. Today = THURSDAY. Next Board meeting for my pay to be approved next Tuesday. So my beach trip was delayed by a trip to my school, back to my home and to the district office. GRRRRR.

Finally got there. Hungry girls and hot sun. It was good to see them play. The little one came up with a new friend and said, "we found a plasic bag and a nine-year old." LOL...out of the mouths of babes. The little girl they "found" was just visiting our area and was happy to have playmates. We saw dolphins frolicking. They found hermit crabs and jellyfish. I found my beach chair and "A Passage to India." Life is good.

Our trip ended on a cloudy note. "Med a lee" , as I am known to the girls, isn't a big fan of Florida's thunderstorms. When I saw it moving towards us, I hinted...not so subtly...that all good things must come to an end.

We headed back home. During a torrential rain. YAY! Greeted by the sound of a soon to be 16 year old boy practicing drumrolls out in the shed. All is well and life really is good. Happy summer. More to come later.

Wow...it's been a while!

Unimaginable...it's been a busy time. I just got home from "Newberry's Backyard BBQ." They have near 'bout the best BBQ chicken anywhere around. It was a good ending to a long - but productive day. Started the morning with my favorite date (for the past 24 or so years!) went to my favorite bakery where they serve perhaps the best French pastries anywhere, drank my favorite coffee (Starbucks--yes, I am a corporate puppet). We then went leisurely WANDERING to pick BLUEBERRIES! Hurrah for Brad's Organic Blueberries! He's a post all on his own. :)

It was about 95 degrees but beautiful. The trees had been pretty well picked over but we still managed to get 3 lbs. At 2.50/lb. that was a steal. Even at WM (corporate puppet again) they were 2.48/PINT and that was on sale! Same reason I finally bought a Meyer Lemon tree...I HATE paying so much for fruits, herbs, and other produce. I never had a garden growing up but my grandparents, and their grandparents, and their..well, you get the point...did. I'm trying hard to learn about gardening and native plants. I'm mostly trying to learn how not to kill stuff. My great Grandma Quillen had a green thumb not to be believed. The smell of rich, fertile soil immediately takes me back to her yard with its beautiful roses and white half runner beans growing side by side. She was a native of Tennessee so you can imagine how much she LOVED being able to grow year round here in Florida. One of my worst memories from her yard though was eating a pepper I was told NOT to touch. I have no idea what it was I just know it was small, yellow, and HOT as Hades. I don't think I even put the pepper itself in my mouth, I just rubbed my hand over my lips. Man, I still feel that pain!

So now I'm off to get the berries in the freezer. Then off to bed with visions of blueberry muffins, blueberry - lemon tea cake, blueberry crepes, and blueberry tarts dancing in my head. Sweet dreams! :)

Some more SPRING!

Spring!

 

did I mention...

that I'm a past member of the NCTE (Nat'l Council of Teachers of English)? So, I get their newsletter. Lo and behold, checking my school email I see the new newsletter. Then, to my shock and further mortification, I see the Gville Sun article about me there. Linked to a blog. ALL of it in a very public arena. I know GOD has a purpose. I just wish I knew what it was. It just goes on and on...http://ncteinbox.blogspot.com/

Outside

I discovered Picasa! YAY!

and more...

Even though it's a bad day, I'm surrounded by beauty. My diploma, the back of my Mama's house, the dogwood tree, a lily, the redbud tree on a blue sky canvas.

so you had a bad day...

Yes, a bad day. A bad week. I am on administrative leave from my teaching job. I am heartbroken. But, I know that God is in control. "I don't know about tomorrow, there are things I don't understand, I don't worry over the future, but I know who holds my hand." Here's what I've spent my days doing... and the chocolate cake is actually amazingly delicious...the pic doesn't do it justice. : )